A woman with no face


I’m a woman whose woman all over the place. Life of my own. Life of fantasy. 

Demon to some and angel to others. You can decide. I know it all.

I fly by as a light kind of energy. I can’t stay. No rules. Just play. 

No personality. No definition. Just infinite compassion and love. 

Detached from this world that’s not ours. Not yours or mine.

That’s why I must keep on moving. Overseeing it all. Even if I fall.

Beauty or darkness. I love it all. Total surrender to the nature’s call. 



The singing man

He was never just an ordinary man. He was a useless husband, an unstable father and the biggest ladies man in the town, with multiple families. He had eyes that couldn’t stop staring and touching all those beautiful bodies that constantly surrounded him. How could he resist? Everyone wanted to have a piece of this tall, handsome man with deep blue eyes. And of course, he had a ‘generous’ soul. Another Diego Rivera, among many.
The only difference was that he didn’t paint. Instead he wrote deeply, preached passionately and when he sang, the whole world around him fell quiet. For a second, all the worries were forgotten and the walls echoed back only the sound of the guitar and his voice.

His dream was to become the pastor of his local church. He was loved by his men. In his prayer group, he was just a simple man with a honest and sincere heart, that had the ability to comfort every weary soul. But his dream of becoming a missionary, a follower of Mother Theresa, never came true. Like every other place in the society, he realized even his church was no different to it’s tricks and games that it played to it’s people. He wanted to bring in the change and make a difference, but was quickly considered as a threat instead and therefore rejected.
His men were his life and losing them broke him. He never recovered from this fall and lost all his faith. After that all the former habits of seeking pleasure of all kinds came running back- women, alcohol, excess sleeping and smoking. He left everyone in his life, including his second family.

Last years of his life were spent as an ordinary man- a truck driver, delivering goods to the local stores. Sometimes alone, sometimes together with his youngest daughter. It’s when he also started to form a genuine friendship with his wife again.
But before he died, he saw a dream which warned him to either return to his family or continue his lustful ways and be punished. He made the wrong choice and disappeared forever…


This whole transition to the new year- 2017 has been very intense, deep and like a huge culmination point to all the important things that really matters for me in life. But I feel I am still inside this huge cocoon and processing it all. It’s kind of beautiful as it is painful too.

The Angel cards of today told me that I’m making a ‘Steady progress’ and suggested me to take every day at least one small action step concerning a project that I am passionate about. To be honest, right now I have no clear idea what I’m passionate about but I decided that this year I’ll do more things that I already naturally love to do(and maybe love equals to passion)– such as:

  • Taking photographs of nature details.
  • Writing down my thoughts as short posts, here, to help me understand myself better.
  • Going for morning walks as often as possible.
  • Read more books.
  • Buy a bicycle and take up cycling again. I loved to do that and it was one of my favorite pastimes back in days.
  • Travel more. Especially between UK and Estonia to see my family and friends.

Basically do all the things that make me feel good and without feeling any pressure for anything else. That’s for the practical part of it.

As for my spiritual ‘Action Plan’ I’d like to:

  •  Try to consciously find every day something beautiful to talk about, to do, to share.
  • Make myself a priority.
  • Feel that I am valuable to myself in every single moment, without any need to ‘produce’ anything ‘special’ or ‘groundbreaking’, be perfect(this goes especially for my body image), to prove anything to anyone. If I’d die at this very moment, my existence would had been worthwhile for ME- I’d be happy to had this journey, this opportunity. 
  • Relax and surrender. Feminine power is all about receiving, rather than “pushing” it out there, as it’s more natural for masculine energy.
  • See the world through the eyes of a child. Straightforward, sincere. Sometimes life is more simple, as it is complex. If you don’t like to do something, don’t do it. If you put your hand on a hot stove and it gets hurt, the very natural and logical next step would be to remove your hand instead of doing other million things like- thinking why it’s hurting or if it’s your fault or if you should do some kind of ritual about removing the pain. If you really love yourself and don’t want to burn yourself completely, you’d just take it off instead of finding excuses and excuses for self sabotage, which is really all about the fear of the unknown what’s waiting on the other side. Of not being worthy I guess. There is a well known quote about people being more afraid of finding out how happy they could be. Afraid about being ‘successful’, capable of doing wonderful things and being magnificent- just how they are.

Sometimes…I do find that people overthink, including myself, in order to avoid taking responsibilities for our actions and happiness. Although it’s definitely a part of the overall healing and balancing process  of people getting more spiritual, BUT, also spirituality needs to have it’s own balance. Right?

I feel, we humans, are right now in a process of bouncing back from huge suppression and old false beliefs about the world and how it’s supposed to be. Suddenly we found out that we can be all those great things and do anything we want. Yet we are bouncing to the other extreme- of extreme spirituality and extreme over doing it all. Like wild animals released from their cages. Now everyone wants to become ‘enlightened‘- no!! – NEEDS to(alongside with many other things..’alfa males’, ‘alfa females’, ‘entrepreneurs’ etc ), yet it also sends us to this journey of finding tons of excuses and reasons why we are ‘broken‘ and have to become ‘healed‘ in order to be happy- we label ourselves with tons of disorders(I’m supposed to be a fucking nightmare if I’d start to name out all my disorders and I could hide behind those forever too), we find many reasons why the world or our parents or our childhood has caused our dysfunctions in life and we could talk endlessly to our therapists about millions of things why we are not able to be happy and take control RIGHT NOW.

While it may be true to some extent or another and we could blame the world endlessly, as long as we have a healthy human brain and I believe most of us have it, we have the power to become more aware of our thinking patterns, more mindful, more self loving and accepting. We have the power to break old patterns and create better habits for us. First by sending LOVE and COMPASSION- seriously, nobody else will, if you won’t. Proven fact by my own whole life. You don’t need to be perfect to love yourself. And only after that first step, you should start thinking about all the rest cause then all this rest in your life will come from a place of love and inspiration, rather than pressure of being, achieving or conflict of comparison.

Even if our problems are caused by something terrible(it’s very hard to track down each and one of the root reason of our negative feelings and emotions, so doesn’t it set us up for an impossible journey?), it has kept going because of a habit. But I guess my point is that sometimes life is how it is. You can either accept it and be happy now or never. I don’t know at least I think so. I am yet to put it into practice this coming year and see how that goes.


Okay, this is it for my “short post” for today. It takes for me ages to process my own thoughts. Sometimes I wish I could just understand it instantly and make it more short and on point.

I don’t want to be super deep anymore about life and myself. I mean, yes, surely I want to be self aware and that’s why I am writing this all down for me, but that’s just to make it all very simple and practical. Nothing less or more than what it is right now, what I’m thinking at this moment.

Maybe tomorrow I will see things from a completely different angle and that will inspire me. So I’m open for anything that will keep moving me forward. That is living in the flow of life and natural state of feeling good.

Where am I moving or what is my motivation? No destination or no motivation other than the experience itself and just going through this human journey, trying to make peace with it.

K. L