Pensées

If I saw nothing there which revealed a Divinity, I would come to a negative conclusion; if I saw everywhere the signs of a Creator, I would remain peacefully in faith.
But, seeing too much to deny and too little to be sure, I am in a state to be pitied, […]Whereas in my present state, ignorant of what I am or of what I ought to do, I know neither my condition nor my duty.
My heart inclines wholly to know where is the true good, in order to follow it; nothing would be too dear to me for eternity.

When I see the blindness and the wretchedness of man, when I regard the whole silent universe, and man without light, left to himself, and, as it were, lost in this corner of the universe, without knowing who has put him there, what he has come to do, what will become of him at death, and incapable of all knowledge, I become terrified, like a man who should be carried in his sleep to a dreadful desert island, and should awaken without knowing where he is, and without means of escape. And thereupon I wonder how people in a condition so wretched do not fall into despair.

We do not rest satisfied with the present. We anticipate the future as too slow in coming, as if in order to hasten its course; or we recall the past, to stop its too rapid flight. So imprudent are we that we wander in the times which are not ours, and do not think of the only one which belongs to us; and so idle are we that we dream of those times which are no more, and thoughtlessly overlook that which alone exists. For the present is generally painful to us. We conceal it from our sight, because it troubles us; and if it be delightful to us, we regret to see it pass away. We try to sustain it by the future, and think of arranging matters which are not in our power, for a time which we have no certainty of reaching. Let each one examine his thoughts, and he will find them all occupied with the past and the future. We scarcely ever think of the present; and if we think of it, it is only to take light from it to arrange the future. The present is never our end. The past and the present are our means; the future alone is our end. So we never live, but we hope to live; and, as we are always preparing to be happy, it is inevitable we should never be so.

Human life is thus only a perpetual illusion; men deceive and flatter each other. No one speaks of us in our presence as he does of us in our absence. Human society is founded on mutual deceit; few friendships would endure if each knew what his friend said of him in his absence, although he then spoke in sincerity and without passion. Man is then only disguise, falsehood, and hypocrisy, both in himself and in regard to others. He does not wish any one to tell him the truth; he avoids telling it to others, and all these dispositions, so removed from justice and reason, have a natural root in his heart.

Excessive qualities are prejudicial to us and not perceptible by the senses; we do not feel but suffer them. Extreme youth and extreme age hinder the mind, as also too much and too little education. In short, extremes are for us as though they were not, and we are not within their notice. They escape us, or we them. This is our true state; this is what makes us incapable of certain knowledge and of absolute ignorance. We sail within a vast sphere, ever drifting in uncertainty, driven from end to end. When we think to attach ourselves to any point and to fasten to it, it wavers and leaves us; and if we follow it, it eludes our grasp, slips past us, and vanishes for ever. Nothing stays for us. This is our natural condition, and yet most contrary to our inclination; we burn with desire to find solid ground and an ultimate sure foundation whereon to build a tower reaching to the Infinite. But our whole groundwork cracks, and the earth opens to abysses.

Certain authors, speaking of their works, say, “My book,” “My commentary,” “My history,” etc. They resemble middle-class people who have a house of their own, and always have “My house” on their tongue. They would do better to say, “Our book,” “Our commentary,” “Our history,” etc., because there is in them usually more of other people’s than their own.

Since we cannot be universal and know all that is to be known of everything, we ought to know a little about everything. For it is far better to know something about everything than to know all about one thing. This universality is the best. If we can have both, still better; but if we must choose, we ought to choose the former. And the world feels this and does so; for the world is often a good judge.

When we see a natural style, we are astonished and delighted; for we expected to see an author, and we find a man. Whereas those who have good taste, and who seeing a book expect to find a man, are quite surprised to find an author. Plus poetice quam humane locutus es. “You have spoken more poetically than humanly.

Poetical beauty. …We know well what is the object of mathematics, and that it consists of proofs, and what is the object of medicine, and that it consists of healing. But we do not know in what grace consists, which is the object of poetry.

Eloquence is an art of saying things in such a way—(1) that those to whom we speak may listen to them without pain and with pleasure; (2) that they feel themselves interested, so that self-love leads them more willingly to reflection upon it.

When a natural discourse paints a passion or an effect, one feels within oneself the truth of what one reads, which was there before, although one did not know it. Hence one is inclined to love him who makes us feel it, for he has not shown us his own riches, but ours. …such community of intellect that we have with him necessarily inclines the heart to love.

When we wish to correct with advantage, and to show another that he errs, we must notice from what side he views the matter, for on that side it is usually true, and admit that truth to him, but reveal to him the side on which it is false. He is satisfied with that, for he sees that he was not mistaken, and that he only failed to see all sides.

The greater intellect one has, the more originality one finds in men. Ordinary persons find no difference between men.

There are then two kinds of intellect: the one able to penetrate acutely and deeply into the conclusions of given premises, and this is the precise intellect; the other able to comprehend a great number of premises without confusing them, and this is the mathematical intellect. The one has force and exactness, the other comprehension. Now the one quality can exist without the other; the intellect can be strong and narrow, and can also be comprehensive and weak.

Man must not think that he is on a level either with the brutes or with the angels, nor must he be ignorant of both sides of his nature; but he must know both.

I blame equally those who choose to praise man, those who choose to blame him, and those who choose to amuse themselves; and I can only approve of those who seek with lamentation.

What does this craving, and this helplessness, proclaim but that there was once in man a true happiness, of which all that now remains is the empty print and trace? This he tries in vain to fill with everything around him, seeking in things that are not there the help he cannot find in those that are, though none can help, since this infinite abyss can be filled only with an infinite and immutable object, in other words by God himself.

What a chimera then is man! What a novelty! What a monster, what a chaos, what a contradiction, what a prodigy! Judge of all things, imbecile worm of the earth; depositary of truth, a sink of uncertainty and error; the pride and refuse of the universe!

The singing man

He was never just an ordinary man. He was a useless husband, an unstable father and the biggest ladies man in the town, with multiple families. He had eyes that couldn’t stop staring and touching all those beautiful bodies that constantly surrounded him. How could he resist? Everyone wanted to have a piece of this tall, handsome man with deep blue eyes. And of course, he had a ‘generous’ soul. Another Diego Rivera, among many.
The only difference was that he didn’t paint. Instead he wrote deeply, preached passionately and when he sang, the whole world around him fell quiet. For a second, all the worries were forgotten and the walls echoed back only the sound of the guitar and his voice.

His dream was to become the pastor of his local church. He was loved by his men. In his prayer group, he was just a simple man with a honest and sincere heart, that had the ability to comfort every weary soul. But his dream of becoming a missionary, a follower of Mother Theresa, never came true. Like every other place in the society, he realized even his church was no different to it’s tricks and games that it played to it’s people. He wanted to bring in the change and make a difference, but was quickly considered as a threat instead and therefore rejected.
His men were his life and losing them broke him. He never recovered from this fall and lost all his faith. After that all the former habits of seeking pleasure of all kinds came running back- women, alcohol, excess sleeping and smoking. He left everyone in his life, including his second family.

Last years of his life were spent as an ordinary man- a truck driver, delivering goods to the local stores. Sometimes alone, sometimes together with his youngest daughter. It’s when he also started to form a genuine friendship with his wife again.
But before he died, he saw a dream which warned him to either return to his family or continue his lustful ways and be punished. He made the wrong choice and disappeared forever…

07/01/2017

I haven’t been posting last two days because day before yesterday Internet was too slow and yesterday I got home pretty late. After that I had a Skype call with my mom instead. In the evening I attempted to read a book, but fell asleep after couple of pages.

So after, what seems like forever, I am having my well deserved weekend days off.

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The book I am reading currently is about Sophia Loren’s life and how she moved through her childhood, towards becoming an actress and meeting the love of her life- Carlo Ponti.

I am still at the beginning, but already love it. It’s a different kind of journey and growing up in a different kind of era. Like she says in her interviews- the real Sophia Loren is her mother. It was her mother’s dream for her to become an actress, so she made sure she would take any opportunity, no matter how big or small. She pushed her, accompanied her in the sets, at least in early days and kept on believing in her.

Another person who did believe in her was her husband, a famous film producer. Their love story is kind of amazing- 50 years together and what seemed like a real love, where even 20 years of age difference didn’t matter.

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“Loren remained married to Carlo Ponti until his death on 10 January 2007. When asked in a November 2009 interview if she were ever likely to marry again, Loren replied “No, never again. It would be impossible to love anyone else.”

Just. So beautiful…

I can’t wait to read more about her adventures.

Until tomorrow then.

K.L

 

03/01/2017

(Did I already mention that 2017 ought to be a really beautiful year, because 7 is my lucky number!)

Today, as I was going to work and sitting in a bus I overheard someone complaining how tired She was. How was she supposed to survive today? There were so many things to do. How would she manage to get everything done?

And I couldn’t help but think that it’s probably how many of us are feeling. People are torn apart, because life is so busy(and not only in London..)– there are millions of responsibilities and it gets harder and harder to find time for yourself.

I had a really intense day myself and although I do not have to feel this way often, it gives me enough context to understand how life would look like if I did. It kind of brings me more and more towards this goal of mine too- to be able to live for myself and for my needs. I don’t know if it sounds selfish, but I can see from the experiences of people around and mine too- if you don’t set boundaries and know very well how you want to live your life, other folks will happily fill that void in your soul with their stuffs.

On a brighter note- sometimes I am okay with maximizing my day and be really really productive, if it helps me to balance out my freedom and flow for coming days. So again, whatever is right for you in the moment.

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True spirituality is not some transformative thing. It’s taking a moment to be who you already are.

01/01/2017

This whole transition to the new year- 2017 has been very intense, deep and like a huge culmination point to all the important things that really matters for me in life. But I feel I am still inside this huge cocoon and processing it all. It’s kind of beautiful as it is painful too.

The Angel cards of today told me that I’m making a ‘Steady progress’ and suggested me to take every day at least one small action step concerning a project that I am passionate about. To be honest, right now I have no clear idea what I’m passionate about but I decided that this year I’ll do more things that I already naturally love to do(and maybe love equals to passion)– such as:

  • Taking photographs of nature details.
  • Writing down my thoughts as short posts, here, to help me understand myself better.
  • Going for morning walks as often as possible.
  • Read more books.
  • Buy a bicycle and take up cycling again. I loved to do that and it was one of my favorite pastimes back in days.
  • Travel more. Especially between UK and Estonia to see my family and friends.

Basically do all the things that make me feel good and without feeling any pressure for anything else. That’s for the practical part of it.

As for my spiritual ‘Action Plan’ I’d like to:

  •  Try to consciously find every day something beautiful to talk about, to do, to share.
  • Make myself a priority.
  • Feel that I am valuable to myself in every single moment, without any need to ‘produce’ anything ‘special’ or ‘groundbreaking’, be perfect(this goes especially for my body image), to prove anything to anyone. If I’d die at this very moment, my existence would had been worthwhile for ME- I’d be happy to had this journey, this opportunity. 
  • Relax and surrender. Feminine power is all about receiving, rather than “pushing” it out there, as it’s more natural for masculine energy.
  • See the world through the eyes of a child. Straightforward, sincere. Sometimes life is more simple, as it is complex. If you don’t like to do something, don’t do it. If you put your hand on a hot stove and it gets hurt, the very natural and logical next step would be to remove your hand instead of doing other million things like- thinking why it’s hurting or if it’s your fault or if you should do some kind of ritual about removing the pain. If you really love yourself and don’t want to burn yourself completely, you’d just take it off instead of finding excuses and excuses for self sabotage, which is really all about the fear of the unknown what’s waiting on the other side. Of not being worthy I guess. There is a well known quote about people being more afraid of finding out how happy they could be. Afraid about being ‘successful’, capable of doing wonderful things and being magnificent- just how they are.

Sometimes…I do find that people overthink, including myself, in order to avoid taking responsibilities for our actions and happiness. Although it’s definitely a part of the overall healing and balancing process  of people getting more spiritual, BUT, also spirituality needs to have it’s own balance. Right?

I feel, we humans, are right now in a process of bouncing back from huge suppression and old false beliefs about the world and how it’s supposed to be. Suddenly we found out that we can be all those great things and do anything we want. Yet we are bouncing to the other extreme- of extreme spirituality and extreme over doing it all. Like wild animals released from their cages. Now everyone wants to become ‘enlightened‘- no!! – NEEDS to(alongside with many other things..’alfa males’, ‘alfa females’, ‘entrepreneurs’ etc ), yet it also sends us to this journey of finding tons of excuses and reasons why we are ‘broken‘ and have to become ‘healed‘ in order to be happy- we label ourselves with tons of disorders(I’m supposed to be a fucking nightmare if I’d start to name out all my disorders and I could hide behind those forever too), we find many reasons why the world or our parents or our childhood has caused our dysfunctions in life and we could talk endlessly to our therapists about millions of things why we are not able to be happy and take control RIGHT NOW.

While it may be true to some extent or another and we could blame the world endlessly, as long as we have a healthy human brain and I believe most of us have it, we have the power to become more aware of our thinking patterns, more mindful, more self loving and accepting. We have the power to break old patterns and create better habits for us. First by sending LOVE and COMPASSION- seriously, nobody else will, if you won’t. Proven fact by my own whole life. You don’t need to be perfect to love yourself. And only after that first step, you should start thinking about all the rest cause then all this rest in your life will come from a place of love and inspiration, rather than pressure of being, achieving or conflict of comparison.

Even if our problems are caused by something terrible(it’s very hard to track down each and one of the root reason of our negative feelings and emotions, so doesn’t it set us up for an impossible journey?), it has kept going because of a habit. But I guess my point is that sometimes life is how it is. You can either accept it and be happy now or never. I don’t know at least I think so. I am yet to put it into practice this coming year and see how that goes.

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Okay, this is it for my “short post” for today. It takes for me ages to process my own thoughts. Sometimes I wish I could just understand it instantly and make it more short and on point.

I don’t want to be super deep anymore about life and myself. I mean, yes, surely I want to be self aware and that’s why I am writing this all down for me, but that’s just to make it all very simple and practical. Nothing less or more than what it is right now, what I’m thinking at this moment.

Maybe tomorrow I will see things from a completely different angle and that will inspire me. So I’m open for anything that will keep moving me forward. That is living in the flow of life and natural state of feeling good.

Where am I moving or what is my motivation? No destination or no motivation other than the experience itself and just going through this human journey, trying to make peace with it.

K. L