Big yellow house

She loved her hometown, small and quiet. The big yellow house where she lived in, just right next to the road that lead to the seaside. You just had to walk straight, for twenty minutes until you could go further, no longer. She loved to stop and watch, along the way, little squirrels jumping from one tree to another. The big green fields, full of dandelions.

The summers were always warm and green; winters- white and crisp. In the summer she would make hundreds of dandelion braids and spend most of the days in beach. In winter, it would be time to build snow castles and go ice skating.

Those were the brightest memories that she got. Spending her days running around outside, eating apples from the trees, teasing boys across the street, climbing the fences, playing silly games, riding the bicycle, reading storybooks from a local library, speaking in secret language with her neighbour girl- the only friend that she got. A small Russian girl, who had the most beautiful mother that she had ever seen. Her elegance and grace would struck her whole being, every time she saw her walking in the street. But anyone could notice that she wasn’t happy, living together with an abusive husband. What a waste of all that she could have and be!

Then everything changed. The green field, next to her house was destroyed. It was replaced by a massive luxury apartment. Her friend became distant and finally moved to live in another place. When they would meet by chance, in town, they couldn’t speak to each other anymore. Years had passed. Secret languages forgotten. Neither of them could speak either Estonian or Russian.

Technology bloomed. After the first computer was introduced to her household, it became like a holy altar. And of course, she was the small ‘Devil’ to be kept it away from.
Climate changed too. Summers were cold and rainy. Winters warm and grey. Or perhaps it was her perception of life that had changed? Maybe now, instead of noticing all the beautiful things, she only noticed the ugly, the bad, the worse. As if a magic spell had suddenly wore off.

“Tiina..Stop for a minute and look here! You seem different!” her brother would finally say to her, one summer morning, before heading outside. Had he suddenly realized, that his little sister had grown into a young woman, when in fact, it had happened quite a while ago. Men are always so slow to notice things.

Those were the days in the big yellow house.

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02/01/2017

Today morning the sun was so bright and warm and I loved the way it was illuminating my whole face, when I sat next to the window writing into my daily gratitude journal.

Although rest of the day was a struggle between trying to send myself love and compassion and constantly breaking down into tears, I kept my promise not to. Sometimes I am confused about the best way to handle situations, but I guess I should feel happy about managing to create some space between those intense energies.

Now I am in home. It’s a beautiful and quiet evening. I am drinking my last glass of Baileys, which I have started to love a lot. More than wine or cider at least- they give me often immediate headaches.

Currently I am feeling little bit like this…

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And this…

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I acknowledge that It’s perfectly natural- it means I am a health human being going through a normal human experience.

As I went through some childhood photos, I also opened up my diary from 2009, so I would have something positive to share today. I found some of my favorite movie quotes that I had liked back on days:

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Allow yourself to be where you are right now. Where others are has nothing to do with you. We are all having different life experiences. Don’t rush ahead. Ego or all the ‘unwanted’ yucky feelings are really a portion of light that you have decided is not good and sent into the shadows. All those things need to be brought into light of love. There is no portion of you that is not light and divinity. All that divides you are there to help you to bring closer to unity consciousness.

K.L