Locked away

“You are not flowing as free as you should. I can sense a lot of pain in you. You need the sea.”

And the sea needed her. Someone to admire her tranquility and ferocity, the life force that she so freely provides to every soul in need. Although she never liked to think she needed anything or anyone.

Abandoned and locked away, she had drowned every day into her own sea of tears, begging for mercy. It never came. So she surrendered and decided she would never again let anyone to see her so helpless, so vulnerable. Instead she locked her heart away willingly, into her own hands, where she could keep it safe.

Years passed. She would enter into many peoples hearts, but never let anyone truly see hers. She had forgotten all about it and liked to keep it that way. For all it contained were the same weeping tears and a desperate need to be heard. Why would anyone let willingly themselves to be drowned by such a horrendous flood? It would make some people feel already uncomfortable from a faraway distance. And those that were close would be blinded from it’s existence altogether.

Not sure, which one was worse, but it all lead to one conclusion- No one ever saw the real her. No one ever treated her as an equal. She had always been either ‘The Alien’ or ‘The Goddess’. Never, for once, a human.

Illusion

Hypnotised, she kept on humming. But no words could capture the essence of her emotions- feelings of loneliness, despair.. confusion. She thought she had left it all behind her. In her dark past. She thought she had found her perfect life, the light she was searching for. It had been simple and plain- never something too grand to wish for. But even simple things can lead into an illusion.

Suddenly, a childhood memory of her brother and her, playing together, took her away… Back to the ‘Neverland’, where he used to “fly” her by jumping from one bed to another. Eyes closed, she knew it wasn’t real but decided to believe otherwise, by never opening them again. Until twenty five years later, when she had finally realized that one would not be better from the other.

An illusion within an illusion.

Hypnotised

There she is again, sitting and staring into the darkness not knowing if it would swallow her one day, make her disappear. Just dissolve into the void that she now feels physically entering into her being. Perhaps the same had happened with her father, who was one day here and gone the next. Although he never really was permanently around, his full absence had quickly shuttered all of her, already fragile, world into pieces. Rest of it was a mystery. A domino effect.

And now all that ever echoed in her ears, while thinking of this man, was the sad song, created by the first love of her life. “It’s never been so dark, but the light is shining through, I must go, until I reach the end…”. She had sang it yesterday, while lying down in the bed, yet another one of those sleepless nights. In fact she sang it every time, when she felt lonely or down. “It’s so dark, it’s so dark, It’s so cold, It’s so cold, I wish you were here, so we could talk once more, once more…”.

“If I’d see you once again, I would say I love you.. Always. And always I will be… Missing you. Missing you. I’m so alone, in the dark.”

But she never really knew exactly whom she missed or if there was any light left in the world. God, knows where things had begun? She struggled to breach the line of the many endings; either those to come, or those that had long outlived themselves. It almost didn’t even matter anymore where she was going. She was hypnotised.

22/02/2017

oil-painting-canvas-art-frida-kahlo-painting“I wish I could do whatever I liked behind the curtain of “madness”. Then: I’d arrange flowers, all day long, I’d paint; pain, love and tenderness, I would laugh as much as I feel like at the stupidity of others, and they would all say: “Poor thing, she’s crazy!” (Above all I would laugh at my own stupidity.) I would build my world which while I lived, would be in agreement with all the worlds. The day, or the hour, or the minute that I lived would be mine and everyone else’s – my madness would not be an escape from “reality”.”   – Frida

5/02/

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Vivian: “When I was a little girl, my mama used to lock me in the attic when I was bad, which was pretty often. And I would- I would pretend I was a princess… trapped in a tower by a wicked queen. And then suddenly this knight… on a white horse with these colors flying would come charging up and draw his sword. And I would wave. And he would climb up the tower and rescue me. But never in all the time… that I had this dream did the knight say to me, “Come on, baby, I’ll put you up in a great condo.”

Edward: “I never treated you like a prostitute.”
[Walks away]
Vivian: “You just did.”

13/01/2017

Just one day left until Estonia. I am so excited to see my mom.

Today morning I got my last things done and tomorrow is just packing lightly for the trip. After all- you don’t really need much for a week. And to be honest I don’t have many things anyways.

It happens, when you travel for years from one place to another. I could pack all of my belongings into couple of suitcases. I am quite happy with that idea.

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Rest of the day I was really just meditating, listening some YouTube videos and while I did, I stumbled across “Tiny House” projects. I googled it quickly and found it SO inspiring. Honestly now I am dreaming about building one myself. Possibly in some beautiful natural place like this too.

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I’ve always wished to live in super simple, minimalistic and environment friendly way. It is inspiring to see many other people sharing the same goal. The only thing or ‘idea’ that I would invest in would be loads of flowers and plants like in this picture.

Isn’t it beautiful?

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H.H