13/01/2017

Just one day left until Estonia. I am so excited to see my mom.

Today morning I got my last things done and tomorrow is just packing lightly for the trip. After all- you don’t really need much for a week. And to be honest I don’t have many things anyways.

It happens, when you travel for years from one place to another. I could pack all of my belongings into couple of suitcases. I am quite happy with that idea.

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Rest of the day I was really just meditating, listening some YouTube videos and while I did, I stumbled across “Tiny House” projects. I googled it quickly and found it SO inspiring. Honestly now I am dreaming about building one myself. Possibly in some beautiful natural place like this too.

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I’ve always wished to live in super simple, minimalistic and environment friendly way. It is inspiring to see many other people sharing the same goal. The only thing or ‘idea’ that I would invest in would be loads of flowers and plants like in this picture.

Isn’t it beautiful?

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H.H

07/01/2017

I haven’t been posting last two days because day before yesterday Internet was too slow and yesterday I got home pretty late. After that I had a Skype call with my mom instead. In the evening I attempted to read a book, but fell asleep after couple of pages.

So after, what seems like forever, I am having my well deserved weekend days off.

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The book I am reading currently is about Sophia Loren’s life and how she moved through her childhood, towards becoming an actress and meeting the love of her life- Carlo Ponti.

I am still at the beginning, but already love it. It’s a different kind of journey and growing up in a different kind of era. Like she says in her interviews- the real Sophia Loren is her mother. It was her mother’s dream for her to become an actress, so she made sure she would take any opportunity, no matter how big or small. She pushed her, accompanied her in the sets, at least in early days and kept on believing in her.

Another person who did believe in her was her husband, a famous film producer. Their love story is kind of amazing- 50 years together and what seemed like a real love, where even 20 years of age difference didn’t matter.

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“Loren remained married to Carlo Ponti until his death on 10 January 2007. When asked in a November 2009 interview if she were ever likely to marry again, Loren replied “No, never again. It would be impossible to love anyone else.”

Just. So beautiful…

I can’t wait to read more about her adventures.

Until tomorrow then.

K.L

 

03/01/2017

(Did I already mention that 2017 ought to be a really beautiful year, because 7 is my lucky number!)

Today, as I was going to work and sitting in a bus I overheard someone complaining how tired She was. How was she supposed to survive today? There were so many things to do. How would she manage to get everything done?

And I couldn’t help but think that it’s probably how many of us are feeling. People are torn apart, because life is so busy(and not only in London..)– there are millions of responsibilities and it gets harder and harder to find time for yourself.

I had a really intense day myself and although I do not have to feel this way often, it gives me enough context to understand how life would look like if I did. It kind of brings me more and more towards this goal of mine too- to be able to live for myself and for my needs. I don’t know if it sounds selfish, but I can see from the experiences of people around and mine too- if you don’t set boundaries and know very well how you want to live your life, other folks will happily fill that void in your soul with their stuffs.

On a brighter note- sometimes I am okay with maximizing my day and be really really productive, if it helps me to balance out my freedom and flow for coming days. So again, whatever is right for you in the moment.

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True spirituality is not some transformative thing. It’s taking a moment to be who you already are.

02/01/2017

Today morning the sun was so bright and warm and I loved the way it was illuminating my whole face, when I sat next to the window writing into my daily gratitude journal.

Although rest of the day was a struggle between trying to send myself love and compassion and constantly breaking down into tears, I kept my promise not to. Sometimes I am confused about the best way to handle situations, but I guess I should feel happy about managing to create some space between those intense energies.

Now I am in home. It’s a beautiful and quiet evening. I am drinking my last glass of Baileys, which I have started to love a lot. More than wine or cider at least- they give me often immediate headaches.

Currently I am feeling little bit like this…

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And this…

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I acknowledge that It’s perfectly natural- it means I am a health human being going through a normal human experience.

As I went through some childhood photos, I also opened up my diary from 2009, so I would have something positive to share today. I found some of my favorite movie quotes that I had liked back on days:

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Allow yourself to be where you are right now. Where others are has nothing to do with you. We are all having different life experiences. Don’t rush ahead. Ego or all the ‘unwanted’ yucky feelings are really a portion of light that you have decided is not good and sent into the shadows. All those things need to be brought into light of love. There is no portion of you that is not light and divinity. All that divides you are there to help you to bring closer to unity consciousness.

K.L

01/01/2017

This whole transition to the new year- 2017 has been very intense, deep and like a huge culmination point to all the important things that really matters for me in life. But I feel I am still inside this huge cocoon and processing it all. It’s kind of beautiful as it is painful too.

The Angel cards of today told me that I’m making a ‘Steady progress’ and suggested me to take every day at least one small action step concerning a project that I am passionate about. To be honest, right now I have no clear idea what I’m passionate about but I decided that this year I’ll do more things that I already naturally love to do(and maybe love equals to passion)– such as:

  • Taking photographs of nature details.
  • Writing down my thoughts as short posts, here, to help me understand myself better.
  • Going for morning walks as often as possible.
  • Read more books.
  • Buy a bicycle and take up cycling again. I loved to do that and it was one of my favorite pastimes back in days.
  • Travel more. Especially between UK and Estonia to see my family and friends.

Basically do all the things that make me feel good and without feeling any pressure for anything else. That’s for the practical part of it.

As for my spiritual ‘Action Plan’ I’d like to:

  •  Try to consciously find every day something beautiful to talk about, to do, to share.
  • Make myself a priority.
  • Feel that I am valuable to myself in every single moment, without any need to ‘produce’ anything ‘special’ or ‘groundbreaking’, be perfect(this goes especially for my body image), to prove anything to anyone. If I’d die at this very moment, my existence would had been worthwhile for ME- I’d be happy to had this journey, this opportunity. 
  • Relax and surrender. Feminine power is all about receiving, rather than “pushing” it out there, as it’s more natural for masculine energy.
  • See the world through the eyes of a child. Straightforward, sincere. Sometimes life is more simple, as it is complex. If you don’t like to do something, don’t do it. If you put your hand on a hot stove and it gets hurt, the very natural and logical next step would be to remove your hand instead of doing other million things like- thinking why it’s hurting or if it’s your fault or if you should do some kind of ritual about removing the pain. If you really love yourself and don’t want to burn yourself completely, you’d just take it off instead of finding excuses and excuses for self sabotage, which is really all about the fear of the unknown what’s waiting on the other side. Of not being worthy I guess. There is a well known quote about people being more afraid of finding out how happy they could be. Afraid about being ‘successful’, capable of doing wonderful things and being magnificent- just how they are.

Sometimes…I do find that people overthink, including myself, in order to avoid taking responsibilities for our actions and happiness. Although it’s definitely a part of the overall healing and balancing process  of people getting more spiritual, BUT, also spirituality needs to have it’s own balance. Right?

I feel, we humans, are right now in a process of bouncing back from huge suppression and old false beliefs about the world and how it’s supposed to be. Suddenly we found out that we can be all those great things and do anything we want. Yet we are bouncing to the other extreme- of extreme spirituality and extreme over doing it all. Like wild animals released from their cages. Now everyone wants to become ‘enlightened‘- no!! – NEEDS to(alongside with many other things..’alfa males’, ‘alfa females’, ‘entrepreneurs’ etc ), yet it also sends us to this journey of finding tons of excuses and reasons why we are ‘broken‘ and have to become ‘healed‘ in order to be happy- we label ourselves with tons of disorders(I’m supposed to be a fucking nightmare if I’d start to name out all my disorders and I could hide behind those forever too), we find many reasons why the world or our parents or our childhood has caused our dysfunctions in life and we could talk endlessly to our therapists about millions of things why we are not able to be happy and take control RIGHT NOW.

While it may be true to some extent or another and we could blame the world endlessly, as long as we have a healthy human brain and I believe most of us have it, we have the power to become more aware of our thinking patterns, more mindful, more self loving and accepting. We have the power to break old patterns and create better habits for us. First by sending LOVE and COMPASSION- seriously, nobody else will, if you won’t. Proven fact by my own whole life. You don’t need to be perfect to love yourself. And only after that first step, you should start thinking about all the rest cause then all this rest in your life will come from a place of love and inspiration, rather than pressure of being, achieving or conflict of comparison.

Even if our problems are caused by something terrible(it’s very hard to track down each and one of the root reason of our negative feelings and emotions, so doesn’t it set us up for an impossible journey?), it has kept going because of a habit. But I guess my point is that sometimes life is how it is. You can either accept it and be happy now or never. I don’t know at least I think so. I am yet to put it into practice this coming year and see how that goes.

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Okay, this is it for my “short post” for today. It takes for me ages to process my own thoughts. Sometimes I wish I could just understand it instantly and make it more short and on point.

I don’t want to be super deep anymore about life and myself. I mean, yes, surely I want to be self aware and that’s why I am writing this all down for me, but that’s just to make it all very simple and practical. Nothing less or more than what it is right now, what I’m thinking at this moment.

Maybe tomorrow I will see things from a completely different angle and that will inspire me. So I’m open for anything that will keep moving me forward. That is living in the flow of life and natural state of feeling good.

Where am I moving or what is my motivation? No destination or no motivation other than the experience itself and just going through this human journey, trying to make peace with it.

K. L