The singing man

He was never just an ordinary man. He was a useless husband, an unstable father and the biggest ladies man in the town, with multiple families. He had eyes that couldn’t stop staring and touching all those beautiful bodies that constantly surrounded him. How could he resist? Everyone wanted to have a piece of this tall, handsome man with deep blue eyes. And of course, he had a ‘generous’ soul. Another Diego Rivera, among many.
The only difference was that he didn’t paint. Instead he wrote deeply, preached passionately and when he sang, the whole world around him fell quiet. For a second, all the worries were forgotten and the walls echoed back only the sound of the guitar and his voice.

His dream was to become the pastor of his local church. He was loved by his men. In his prayer group, he was just a simple man with a honest and sincere heart, that had the ability to comfort every weary soul. But his dream of becoming a missionary, a follower of Mother Theresa, never came true. Like every other place in the society, he realized even his church was no different to it’s tricks and games that it played to it’s people. He wanted to bring in the change and make a difference, but was quickly considered as a threat instead and therefore rejected.
His men were his life and losing them broke him. He never recovered from this fall and lost all his faith. After that all the former habits of seeking pleasure of all kinds came running back- women, alcohol, excess sleeping and smoking. He left everyone in his life, including his second family.

Last years of his life were spent as an ordinary man- a truck driver, delivering goods to the local stores. Sometimes alone, sometimes together with his youngest daughter. It’s when he also started to form a genuine friendship with his wife again.
But before he died, he saw a dream which warned him to either return to his family or continue his lustful ways and be punished. He made the wrong choice and disappeared forever…

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Big yellow house

She loved her hometown, small and quiet. The big yellow house where she lived in, just right next to the road that lead to the seaside. You just had to walk straight, for twenty minutes until you could go further, no longer. She loved to stop and watch, along the way, little squirrels jumping from one tree to another. The big green fields, full of dandelions.

The summers were always warm and green; winters- white and crisp. In the summer she would make hundreds of dandelion braids and spend most of the days in beach. In winter, it would be time to build snow castles and go ice skating.

Those were the brightest memories that she got. Spending her days running around outside, eating apples from the trees, teasing boys across the street, climbing the fences, playing silly games, riding the bicycle, reading storybooks from a local library, speaking in secret language with her neighbour girl- the only friend that she got. A small Russian girl, who had the most beautiful mother that she had ever seen. Her elegance and grace would struck her whole being, every time she saw her walking in the street. But anyone could notice that she wasn’t happy, living together with an abusive husband. What a waste of all that she could have and be!

Then everything changed. The green field, next to her house was destroyed. It was replaced by a massive luxury apartment. Her friend became distant and finally moved to live in another place. When they would meet by chance, in town, they couldn’t speak to each other anymore. Years had passed. Secret languages forgotten. Neither of them could speak either Estonian or Russian.

Technology bloomed. After the first computer was introduced to her household, it became like a holy altar. And of course, she was the small ‘Devil’ to be kept it away from.
Climate changed too. Summers were cold and rainy. Winters warm and grey. Or perhaps it was her perception of life that had changed? Maybe now, instead of noticing all the beautiful things, she only noticed the ugly, the bad, the worse. As if a magic spell had suddenly wore off.

“Tiina..Stop for a minute and look here! You seem different!” her brother would finally say to her, one summer morning, before heading outside. Had he suddenly realized, that his little sister had grown into a young woman, when in fact, it had happened quite a while ago. Men are always so slow to notice things.

Those were the days in the big yellow house.

Two soldiers

It was another night. Doors locked. Heavy footsteps coming closer. A drunken man behind the door. Shouting, screaming, pulling out the electricity plug. She and her brother, always two of them, in the middle of the same war. War of parents, who hated each other.

The little girl was scared. Crying, in her bed, hiding under the blanket. And it was the first time that her elder brother seemed to be scared too. The first time that he wrapped his arms around her, saying everything was going to be okay. Although both of them knew these were just empty words.

But for once, they had an understanding. They knew they were alone and forced to grow up as quickly as possible, because the only place where It should had been safe- their home, it wasn’t. So they held each other tightly. In the dark.

Two soldiers, growing up in a battlefield.

Why?

Why did she always had to put her down? Nothing was ever good enough- Her body was never right. Her personality too straightforward and wild. She wasn’t allowed to speak to her father. She would be too childish to still kiss and hug him. She was a demon. A drama queen. A manipulator. And always too stupid, to choose the right man for her.

All she ever wanted was some acceptance.

Instead, she accepted all those false-beliefs projected on her and carried those around for years, until it had become part of her.

She punished herself, because she didn’t know… No one does.

That you don’t have to.

Locked away

“You are not flowing as free as you should. I can sense a lot of pain in you. You need the sea.”

And the sea needed her. Someone to admire her tranquility and ferocity, the life force that she so freely provides to every soul in need. Although she never liked to think she needed anything or anyone.

Abandoned and locked away, she had drowned every day into her own sea of tears, begging for mercy. It never came. So she surrendered and decided she would never again let anyone to see her so helpless, so vulnerable. Instead she locked her heart away willingly, into her own hands, where she could keep it safe.

Years passed. She would enter into many peoples hearts, but never let anyone truly see hers. She had forgotten all about it and liked to keep it that way. For all it contained were the same weeping tears and a desperate need to be heard. Why would anyone let willingly themselves to be drowned by such a horrendous flood? It would make some people feel already uncomfortable from a faraway distance. And those that were close would be blinded from it’s existence altogether.

Not sure, which one was worse, but it all lead to one conclusion- No one ever saw the real her. No one ever treated her as an equal. She had always been either ‘The Alien’ or ‘The Goddess’. Never, for once, a human.

Illusion

Hypnotised, she kept on humming. But no words could capture the essence of her emotions- feelings of loneliness, despair.. confusion. She thought she had left it all behind her. In her dark past. She thought she had found her perfect life, the light she was searching for. It had been simple and plain- never something too grand to wish for. But even simple things can lead into an illusion.

Suddenly, a childhood memory of her brother and her, playing together, took her away… Back to the ‘Neverland’, where he used to “fly” her by jumping from one bed to another. Eyes closed, she knew it wasn’t real but decided to believe otherwise, by never opening them again. Until twenty five years later, when she had finally realized that one would not be better from the other.

An illusion within an illusion.

Hypnotised

There she is again, sitting and staring into the darkness not knowing if it would swallow her one day, make her disappear. Just dissolve into the void that she now feels physically entering into her being. Perhaps the same had happened with her father, who was one day here and gone the next. Although he never really was permanently around, his full absence had quickly shuttered all of her, already fragile, world into pieces. Rest of it was a mystery. A domino effect.

And now all that ever echoed in her ears, while thinking of this man, was the sad song, created by the first love of her life. “It’s never been so dark, but the light is shining through, I must go, until I reach the end…”. She had sang it yesterday, while lying down in the bed, yet another one of those sleepless nights. In fact she sang it every time, when she felt lonely or down. “It’s so dark, it’s so dark, It’s so cold, It’s so cold, I wish you were here, so we could talk once more, once more…”.

“If I’d see you once again, I would say I love you.. Always. And always I will be… Missing you. Missing you. I’m so alone, in the dark.”

But she never really knew exactly whom she missed or if there was any light left in the world. God, knows where things had begun? She struggled to breach the line of the many endings; either those to come, or those that had long outlived themselves. It almost didn’t even matter anymore where she was going. She was hypnotised.